Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
