mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
