I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
