you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
this just has baby written all over it
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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