I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
3 2 1 whiskey
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
