I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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