I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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