New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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