I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize