Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
