Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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