I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
