one word: firstdatebathroomanal
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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