So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
