Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
