im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
