I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
