turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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