Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
