I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
