I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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