anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
