I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
