my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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