she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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