Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
