hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
