I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
