grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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