I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
