i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
