she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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