Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
