All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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