i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Success! We fucked roommates!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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