apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize