we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
