how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
