I showed him my bush... on skype.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize