Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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