Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
where are my eyebrows?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
