Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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