hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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