The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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