I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
