dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize