I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
