I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
