Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
