my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Randomize
