He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
