Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
