your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
