his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
cat food counts as protein by the way
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
