I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
