you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize