Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
