Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
