I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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