4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
